Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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