Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
