his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
