i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
