My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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