god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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