Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
