So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
