he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
