Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
what day is it and did you see me today?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
