I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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