I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
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I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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