did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Your dad touched me again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
