And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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