Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
