I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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