he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
