he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
