I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
