highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
