remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
