And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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