Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
