I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
