I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
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I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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