Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
