enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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