In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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