Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
