Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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