i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
