after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
