it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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