so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
