the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
