Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
