Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Mom said you looked used
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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