She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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