hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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