How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
