This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
