Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
