I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
