the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He? As in you personified your dick?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
