You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just forgot I was standing up.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
