He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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