no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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