Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
