No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
