why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
