I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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