I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
