Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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