If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
