Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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