508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
