Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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