But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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